Category Archives: emotional
As we enter the second week of lockdown, I find myself asking such existential questions – the kind you would normally confront only when seated in a therapist’s room. I would have otherwise laughed it off, but today I decide to humour it a little and here’s how it goes…
The first seemingly obvious answer that comes to mind is of course I am me, Apurva. I am currently doing masters, having worked for a bit and so on..
Academics and career do define me to some extent but is that what makes me….me? I mean am I this Apurva, only because I am studying in so and so college or getting so and so degree? Is that all there is to me?
Having scratched the surface, I decide to prod a little more.
Then come the next set of “Maybe I am my personality, my looks, my fears, my inhibitions, my anxiety or my passion.”
But say I decide that my Apurva-ness lies in my interest in art, would that mean I am no longer Apurva if I chose to move away from this field? Now that doesn’t make any sense. I mean, people lose interest in things all the time, don’t they?
That brings me back to square one. Who am I?
What is that one thing that defines me? Is there a quality in me that is constant? Or is change the only constant? Well, then what’s the point of naming me Apurva, which means unique? Might as well have named me number 42000 or something like that.
I then happen to take a step back.
Maybe I am thinking this all wrong!
A flower in a garden, whether we call it a tulip or a rose, doesn’t really give a damn about the nomenclature, does it? It knows only to be, a flower- nothing more, nothing less.
So why can’t I be content just being a human? Why do I need to cling to a name, an identity that I can’t even really claim to be my own?
Why do I need to be distinct from everyone else?
Why can’t I be just the same?
And that’s when it hit me.
If everyone in this world thought about themselves as being essentially the same, there would be no nation, no religion, no name and no identity to fight over. People would have so much empathy for the other person that hurting them wouldn’t cross their mind.
And that’s not an easy thing to do, considering the way we are conditioned since childhood.
Maybe that’s why there are so few enlightened beings on this earth. And maybe that’s why it’s so difficult to get there.
It takes time
to learn to embrace sadness as
an inevitable part of life,
to stop looking over your shoulder,
dreading its strike,
to smile your way through
the hopeless tears,
knowing they are just a phase,
quite like those
As the captive grains of
self control, gracefully
slip off the nimble
fingers of my
ageless soul, I
can’t help but
admire the sparkle
in their dance, as I
humbly learn the
art of letting go…
Love can sometimes scare you so much more than hate…
Its gentle nudge threatening to bring down ginormous
walls you built around yourself, its warm embrace
eager to mend the brittle soul, weary from
thoughts of innumerable battles
ahead, its twinkling eyes,
seeing only beauty
in every flaw,
into a dream and
its scary to come out….
the depths of infinity that
reside in your mind, kicking
against the might of demons lurking
outside, let the ripples of your fall reverberate in
Tumultuous waves of
Coalesce and rise as
the ferocious tsunami
of inescapable despair,
I searched for me
in the mangled remains
of my preciously rebellious hair,
Down gushing streams
of silent pain,
Behind every breast you ogle,
every waist you leer,
every hip you feast on,
is a beating heart,
A piece of my heart,
still lies suspended,
in the intergalactic space
to the gravitational pull
of the past,
immune to the
into the future,
on your heavenly doors,